Buried Deep Into the Ground

As I shot this photo of the rainbow near my house, it reminded me a lot about the past. The craziest 2 months of experience which I've ever had. Mixture of feelings which had me almost gone insane. There are moments when I felt I deserved it, the sense of belonging was there, and the next minute, all those feelings just disappeared into thin air. It happened everyday, until I felt like giving up on everything. But then, I did actually. I did give up. And what happens now whenever I reminiscence about it?

Just plain regret.
A scar which stays permanent that can never be removed.

It's nothing big, not at all. It's actually something extremely silly. I laughed at myself for being so stupid, for trying to make a big fuss out of it. But I can't help feeling it, can't I? The feeling is exactly the same as how I felt a few years back. I feel angry and embarrassed at myself for letting it take over me again. I was doing pretty good. I am always assuming that I was.

I really need someone to confide to. Even if I did find one, I don't know how am I going to start as there's nothing left to say.

I need time. I need to listen to The Fray. and I need to go somewhere tomorrow.

Ps: If you don't get what my post is about, then you're not the only one because I am just as confused as you are.

Past Tense

Date: 16th July 2009
I wrote this about 9 months ago, and I decided to post it back.

She was never a real mother, a real grandmother, and a real person to me. After all these years, my mother decided to bring us to our hometown during one of the celebrations back in 2006. Since then, we have been receiving the biggest amount of red packet from her, we have been visiting them once every year and we have started knowing more about my mother's family side.

She was a good cook,
she had her own motorcycle,
she used to call frequently for my mother,
she hated sitting on the wheelchair and using crutches because she didn't like feeling disabled,
she was very bold and wasn't afraid to speak up, and
she was exactly like my mother.

In the year of 2009...
She had a heart attack,
she was brought to the hospital in KL,
she was discharged, and
she was bed ridden.

And finally this morning, after 84 life-filled years,
I received an sms from my mom, and asked me not to reply back.
She did not manage to wake up.

I had three grandmothers. I know all of them are watching over us from above now.
My mom used to say, "What's the point crying over them when they are no longer here but never once shown them that you care when they are still alive?"

I wonder does she still feel the same way.
xxx Rest in peace, Chin Po xxx

Odd?

Something weird happened while I was taking my shower just now. The bizarre moment lasted only for a few minutes. I wasn't able to focus and somehow, I couldn't manage to pull myself together. I don't know how to put them into words, but the feeling was horrible.

A few days ago, while I was crossing the road to have lunch with my friends, I happened to come across something very unlikely. My unwise action had caused nothing but a delayed schedule for the driver and the journey for the passengers. I still don't know why it happened.

My mom emailed me about the condition of some of our family members. She suggested something that scares out the hell of me.

Great, I'm overacting. This has got to stop.

No big deal

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Usually I would spend my time in front of the computer the entire night. But ever since I went to the library, I spend my nights on the bed, reading a book which I borrowed instead. The laptop is no longer on the table, but it's now always right beside me. Sometimes when I do my reading, my mind would just wonder somewhere.

The point that I'm trying to make is, I feel like I have the time thinking about my life even more now. Something which I haven't been doing for quite some time. I think I'm going overboard in comparing myself to other people.

I emailed something to my mom. I told her that I'm kinda excited for something which they aren't sure of yet.
I asked them something bout my past too. Lol. They told me once, but I just feel like hearing the reason once again.

Hmmm, it's nothing. I'm just thinking too much again. Or maybe it's just for the sake of writing to clear my mind. I think I would be deleting this post very soon. Just maybe. I don't exactly know what is this post about because everything is seemingly blur to me now.

"Something is always happening somewhere."

It's time to turn in. Nights.

Then and Now

We weren't close at the beginning although we knew each other since the start of high school, but our friendship became stronger as we reached 15. We started hanging out more often especially after our PMR exam. Things once more changed during form 4 due to the class differences, but all of us managed to pull through in form 5, thanks to drama competition. =)

Genting

Pav's toilet

We may not be able to meet each other and hang out now as often as we used to, or know the exact details of each others' lives, but all I know is, we can and we will make our friendship work...somehow. Promise me that alright? Like you said last time. Stay connected okay? All of us.

Guysssss, writing this post makes me miss all of you even more. Even if I were to go back end of this year, SJ wouldn't be there also. We can never have a complete animals photo for... God knows how many years.

Our first few birthday celebrations together for your birthday as a group.

2007 - Sungei Wang

2008 - Pavilion

2009 - SkyBar. (I wasn't there!!!)

Did all of you notice something? As we grow older, our hang out places seem to be different.

Wing's Cafe

Pav's toilet as usual


Happy birthday my beloved ducKY. I know you're still working at this time even though today is your special day. Hope you will have a great one this year. Don't spend so much time with your hubby only okay? Allocate more time for the rest of the animals as well. :)


When I go back we must camwhore more! Damn hard to find photos of only the two of us alone.


***


KL, in case you're wondering why I never write about you last time for your birthday in my blog but now I'm writing for Lin.


NAH! Here it is...

Somewhere in 2004. You still look the same to me now. Even then you looked so perverted.


Wait till you see this!

Even better! Nar, please don't be pissed off. This is to show that KL, being a perverted person has been proven.


After another 8 years of experience since I first knew you


Heartz all of you.

Our First

Disclaimer : If you're looking for something cheesy, forget it alright?

Little did I realize, we have reached our first month since the moment we came to a decision to embark on a journey to the chosen path together. A few days before we began, a string of questions had been formed in our minds; particularly mine, mainly doubts whether the decision that we were about to make is right.

Not knowing where the path would lead us to. It could be a never-ending path for the two of us. There could also be two diverged routes in the middle of our journey, or even a roadblock where we could be left stranded. That was before everything. And now, all my questions have been answered.

It all seemed so recent, as if it happened yesterday. I was full of drive, pumped with motivation to join the life of a university student. During the week of our orientation, we were introduced to each other by a few friends. We greeted one another casually without realizing what has been stored in the future ahead of us. We exchanged numbers the same way as everyone did. We had our first sms on the very day because I accidentally called the wrong person. We had our first unusual chat topic on Msn when he added me. We had our first trip together as a group organized by a club. And the list goes on endlessly.

We have come a long way, all these little yet significant details that have happened between us as time passes by create a bond; a history- something which we both share in common. What started on a bright summer day was basically a typical friendship which has evolved to a whole new level of relationship. Never in a million years would one see that coming. Not from me, nor him, nor anyone else.

I have never thought of getting myself involved into a relationship for the coming 3 years. I have always assumed that I would never have the courage to love another person again. Yet just after 4 months of knowing you, I couldn't help myself but to fall for you. I was contemplating over it for the whole time, because I knew that I wasn't good enough for you.

You were extremely patient and understanding when I began telling you how I felt. You never come on to me like how other guys did but you were just being yourself. You will always clear things up and face them if there were any misunderstanding between us instead of denying them. Most importantly, you still care for me the exact same way now like you did when you first, err...court me? Lol. In fact, I think even more. And oh! I love the fact that you are being kind of possessive and selfish (You sure say it's 60:40!! =D).

Happy one month ____ You fill in yourself okay?

Bluek. I purposely don't wanna put your faceee XD

I love you.

Ps: I don't care if it's all words cause I know you're still gonna read this anyway.