Bittersweet

Updated on 17th March

These days I've been doing a lot of thinking. I guess u can say it's all because of my friend. Why do people want to post their blogs online? To let others know how unhappy u are? To let others know how much have u suffered? To let others know how confused u are? Well, I actually said these to my friends, even though my own dears and I are doing that.

Okay, I don't mean to hurt anybody's' feelings. But, sometimes, when we post about problems we're facing, about the all our sorrows , it's like we're trying to show to all our friends about how miserable our life are. It seems to me that we just want to attract attention from the others. The people who care for us will surely comfort us, giving us advices and all. Why must write out problems or express feelings in an exaggerating manner or getting ourselves more depressed than it actually is? Why write words like we cannot live without him or our heart had been torn to pieces in blog like one cannot go on with life? Yet they can still enjoy their life the next day itself. So, why are we overdoing it? Are we craving for attention? Or are we just making life more difficult?

Why do we want our friends to know how emotional we are? Why can't we just write on events that are memorable and joyful to us so that we can always keep those happy memories in mind? If we keep on writing on and on about our own pathetic life, sooner or later only problems will be piled into our heads and assuming that we are alone in this, thinking life is just a pain. Why not change our perspectives on life? Instead of complaining, we should always count our blessings.

But then again, some may have different point of view on this. They might feel that we should not keep the pain within ourselves. One must learn to let loose of their problems instead of keeping things away from people. In that case, it will not be a necessity for us to plant a fake smile and a fake laugh to our friends when our heart is actually not in it.

So, which opinion is better?

Here's something for those who needs it.
I posted it in my previous blog before though.

I have in my hand two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold,
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold".
I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.
With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
I showed the hole to God, and mused,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be!"
Hr smiled a gentle smile and said,
"My child they're all here with me.."
I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go".

Reality

It's 9th March today.
My foundation will be ending soon. It all went so fast, too fast even before I can settle down properly. It's been 6 months plus now. I still have another 3 more months to survive college life and I'll be off to university to further my studies. Once my trial result is out, I'll be able to guess what will my actual result be. If I fail to meet their min English requirement, I'll be dead.

Just 2 days ago I had a briefing for the application on Monash. We can either apply for Australia or Malaysia campus itself and it is to be submitted by the end of March, which is practically 3 weeks away. I have to decide where I really want to study, and the most importantly, which degree I wish to pursue by then. To be frank, I don't really want to go for business field. I can't really see myself as a certified accountant, or an economist or a marketing manager or whatever in the future. I really have no idea. My instinct tells me to take up economics, or econometrics, or accounting and finance. I'm scared of economics and econometrics. I don't know whether I can do it or not. Will it be worth going there?

But if I were to take up accounting and finance, I can't be a certified accountant, coz it will not be based on professional organization such as ACCA. Without it, I will not be able to receive high salary in future. They kept on encouraging me to take up a professional course and the only one in their mind is ACCA. That's it! Now they're considering whether I should go to UK or not. I wonder when the hell UK came into picture? Are they having some kind of problem or what? The last time I checked, our current exchange with UK is about 6.3GBP. I can't believe they are even considering this. They even asked me to ask which university is applicable for my foundation. No, no and never. It'll be a whole different story if we have enough money, or having me to pursue medical field and all. But, sorry.. not for something common like accounting or anything.

Omg, I have to decide soon.

I planned to go oversea. But not now..not so fast. I'm not ready! I aimed for 20% of tuition fees scholarship for local campus. Seems like there's no hope. They increased the minimum requirement from the total marks of 320 to 365 already. It means every subject I have to score D or HD at least. That's impossible. I already aimed myself to get at least 320 and looks like there is no hope. My mom was so afraid of me failing my English, coz I said I will. She asked me to take IELTS, just to be sure I can enter July intake by then.

Besides, I will really miss my friends. For sure it'll be my dear animals, my college friends, and a few others. I already found my own group in college and I now know who my real friends are. I don't want to leave them.

Words of Truth

One of the articles in the The Star got me thinking. Somehow, when I read her column, I feel the problems that I'm facing right now seem so, according to her.. insignificant. It's true, don't you think? Besides having to study, to maintain relationships, friendships, family, etc what other problems am I facing that others are not?

Being stressed from our studies, yes. But, everyone from any courses are having the same situation. So, what's so special about it? We may say that our subjects are difficult, yet we keep on complaining bout it but it never seem to occur to us to take that chance or to be initiative to at least try.

Those who deserve better are those who actually give their best shot.. and aim high! Have u ever seen doctors, physiologist, and pilots' books? Theirs are damn bloody hell thick! Mine is nothing compare to them. So what if I don't take science subjects whatsoever, but don't anyhow think that arts subjects are easy okay. It also takes time to for us to adjust to something new.

Not only that, but it also applies to lost relationships and friendships. I may not be the right person to say all this, but.. get a life! It's over. What's done is done. Getting depressed, stop eating and crying your whole heart out can never bring back the person you once lost. Simple speaking, nothing you do now will affect the other person, unless that person commits suicide.

Try looking at the bright side, you have a whole lot more to choose from as it is not the end of the world. Why cry for the person who no longer has feelings for you? Useless. It's easy to play the blame game, but we have to think about the other side as well. Their perspectives, or their way of looking at things may be different from you. Girls tend to think more complex, they tend to expect more from guys, sometimes too much, yet all they want most is someone to care for them.

Basically, love is complicated. There is no scientifically proven but, just common sense.

It is common for us to get upset at our parents, for their lack of support, lack of love and lack of trust. I wonder why must we complain about them? Why must we compare other parents' love towards other children? Why don't they trust us? They are going through life as well, just like us. I couldn't stop thinking though, I have 4 other siblings to compare with. Especially my sisters. Like what they always say, everyone is special. I don't really agree with tat, but I just say it anyway.

I went to an orphanage last week for my moral project. We had bbq and games over there. I didn't really do much compared to others, just joined the game, and talked and played with the kids. One of the kids really touched my heart, who was my 8 year old 'dance' partner.

There was an event going on near the orphanage, which was the lion dance. I think. It was then when another kid came to me, and started mumbling somethin to me. I wasn't really sure what he was talking about. It sudd came to me when my dance partner said he was afraid of the lions.

He kept on saying, "they're coming here, they're coming here" repeatedly.

I didn't know wat to do! I'm not good with kids! Tears were welling up his eyes already, and I just hugged him. He was so scared. Luckily my partner was there to help me. She was the one consoling him instead of me. Obviously he felt much relieved and she knew better than me.

The other thing was when the moment they received presents from us. I saw her looking at her bag in awe. Her eyes went huge and she was covering her mouth while looking at it. Not only that, their guardian, whom they called uncle was very friendly. I had a talk with him alone and we talked about his life and how he ended up taking care of them etc. I felt kinda sad for them for not having their parents around, but all of them had to work together and support one another.

It depends on how we look at our daily life. We make our life more complicated because we are so used to thinking that way. We are just being selfish, I know I am because anything I do, it's all about me, me and me.

Why must it always happen to me? Why am I the only one facing this problem? Why am I always so unlucky? It's just questions full of W-H-Y-s.

If we take two steps back and look at the bigger picture, we have to know that life is short. Kinda think of it, I have another 3/4 left before I actually leave the world.

L, G, C, W, and K

She asked me something very disturbing that day, in the car. I answered what I thought at that moment. Sadly, she got a similar reply from L too So, that's what he thinks as well? I've to admit, it is true considering we barely talk to each other as how we used to, thanks to my old habit which I can never seem to overcome. We used to understand each other without even having to actually open our mouth. He used to be a very good companion, someone I can really count on, and someone I can discuss my problems with.

Here am I, wishing things would go back like how it used to. Would I be happier then? Or, would I've even developed something more? That is the question which can never be answered anymore, seeing that I have already made my choice.

*****

I rarely talk to G nowadays. I dunno, things just changed. He used to be so annoying last time. Who don't know that. But, he no longer as noisy as before, as that old him. He changed his target though, much to my relief. This time, he follows her everywhere. I dunno whether she can actually stand him or not. Haha.

I really felt guilty when I lied to him straight in the face saying that C and I were going out to join the rest for lunch. Well, not actually telling a lie, just playing around with him. I guessed he took it too seriously, he saw us coming back and pretended not to look and he took off. I explained to him and asked him to join us. He just nodded. We were kind of waiting for him after that, but he didn't turn up. C suddenly saw him eating alone. He took off once again when we both looked at him.

I'm so so sorry G, for doing that. Somehow, I pitied him, maybe coz he did not have a group for our assignment in the beginning.

*****

I consider myself closest to W and C now. Although C and I talked more, but there is still something missing. As for W, I can tell him almost anything, but not on that. Imagine me telling him that I used to think like that? I wanted to answer him when he asked me that question, but I couldn't. I don't know why.

Maybe I am feeling embarrassed, or maybe I am afraid that he might know the other person as well, or maybe, I just don't want others to know about it. So far, he is the second person from my college whom I let view my blog. I guess it means that I trust him. He will always find me first, something that I really feel grateful for. It makes me feel like I am wanted. =) At least, he is the person I want to see first in the morning, well I have to. Hehe.

*****

I prefer to see Q rather than L at that place. Luck is always by my side, I see Q more times than I see L. Obviously, I can talk to Q more. He is someone I feel really comfortable talking with. Although Q has lots of friends, but at least he does still return to his own friends, unlike L, who has unlimited friends to handle till he sometimes doesn't know which to go to.

Anyway, Q sometimes ask me whether I want to follow him or not. I love it!~ No doubt about that. It makes things much easier. Recently, he asked me something but I couldn't make it. I wanted to go for it but I've done it before. He's not the type who will bluff or trying to butter up people, but for once I seriously hope that was just his excuse. I doubt it was. I bet it was because I can get there easier than anyone else could. Much much easier. That's why.

*****

K witnessed almost all of these already. He must have think I'm a slut. He still doesn't know about something though. Haha.

BSB Concert

I would like to dedicate this to:

• Backstreet Boys - You guys made my night.
  
• Jan and SJ - Thanks for going with me that day.
  

I love Bsb more than ever since that night. My first concert. Ppl might say it's just backstreet boys. They're old, lame, gay watever. Come on, it's backstreet boys. Please. In fact, they still looked as good and cool even though they were from the 90's? Besides the songs from Unbreakable, they had their solo parts, and songs from the old albums. It was so loud, even H could hear it in his condo. How cool is that?

I truly enjoyed myself the whole night! The place, the singing,the crowd, everything! It was bloody hot, stuffy, sticky (from the gal beside me), but I didn't give a damn. Surprisingly, SJ was the craziest and the most hyper one among us. U should have seen her. Omg, that is one side of her that I've never known before.

Most of the crowd sang along when it came to the old songs, but it was totally the opposite when they started with helpless when she smiles, trouble is, etc. It was weird. We also passed by so many of SJ and Jan's friends. Luckily, and finally, I managed to find someone at the end, which was after the concert. I didn't lose. Hehe.

I was supposed to stay over at my friend's house. But, when we arrived in front of her house, she didn't pick up the phone! Omg! I thought she fell asleep waiting for me. So, I stayed at Jan's house with SJ. I didn't really want to bother them or anything seeing that they might discussed stuffs that I wouldn't know. Couldn't be helped then. We took our bath, talked, and ate supper. =)

It was worth the money, worth the time spent, and worth sacrificing almost half the class the next morning. It was one of the most memorable night ever!. Oh yeah, turned out my friend was bathing that time.