Next Plane Home

I really want to go back.
Take me home somebody.

Someone once told me that I always blog about emotional stuff. Well, that urge me to write from the beginning when I started on this blog about 2 years ago. At least I have something and somewhere to express myself though I never really did go into the details. Anyway sometimes, just reading my old posts just show me as a hyper emotional and sensitive person. My life seems so pathetic and insignificant compare to the others. Or is it just me who never appreciate what I have?

Have you ever thought of turning back time and trying out another route instead? Maybe, I won't feel that same way like how I did anymore. Just maybe.

Guess what? I'm jealous. Haha.

I miss home.
And i want to thank someone for consoling me today. That was my first time telling a person how I felt about something so simple, so small and yet mattered a lot to me. I think I've shown more negative sides of me more than positive ones to this person.

Fairy Tales

You know when you were a little kid and you believed that your life would be similar to fairy tale fantasies? We all once believed in fairy tales during our adolescent period. We believed that fairy tales do come true.

Being a princess in a white dress wearing Cinderella's glass slippers searching for her knight in shining armor and to be swept off her feet and to be carried away to his kingdom. There will always be a happy-ever-after at the end of each chapter of that life.

But, as we grow older, our beliefs start to fade. Sooner or later, all of us would wake up from this foolish and childish dream of ours and start to face the real facts of reality.

It's life. What more do u expect from it?

Do fairy tales exist? Or are they just merely a figment of imagination?

There isn't anything I can do about it. Nothing. Whether or not it will happen, it's not my decision, but it's theirs. The least I could do now is to remain quiet until this issue is brought up again and to give my respect to them. No point shedding tears until you feel numb and completely empty. If I were to feel this way, what more to them? I shouldn't be the one complaining about everything. I'm not eligible for it.

Call it quits. Hah.

Buried Deep Into the Ground

As I shot this photo of the rainbow near my house, it reminded me a lot about the past. The craziest 2 months of experience which I've ever had. Mixture of feelings which had me almost gone insane. There are moments when I felt I deserved it, the sense of belonging was there, and the next minute, all those feelings just disappeared into thin air. It happened everyday, until I felt like giving up on everything. But then, I did actually. I did give up. And what happens now whenever I reminiscence about it?

Just plain regret.
A scar which stays permanent that can never be removed.

It's nothing big, not at all. It's actually something extremely silly. I laughed at myself for being so stupid, for trying to make a big fuss out of it. But I can't help feeling it, can't I? The feeling is exactly the same as how I felt a few years back. I feel angry and embarrassed at myself for letting it take over me again. I was doing pretty good. I am always assuming that I was.

I really need someone to confide to. Even if I did find one, I don't know how am I going to start as there's nothing left to say.

I need time. I need to listen to The Fray. and I need to go somewhere tomorrow.

Ps: If you don't get what my post is about, then you're not the only one because I am just as confused as you are.

Past Tense

Date: 16th July 2009
I wrote this about 9 months ago, and I decided to post it back.

She was never a real mother, a real grandmother, and a real person to me. After all these years, my mother decided to bring us to our hometown during one of the celebrations back in 2006. Since then, we have been receiving the biggest amount of red packet from her, we have been visiting them once every year and we have started knowing more about my mother's family side.

She was a good cook,
she had her own motorcycle,
she used to call frequently for my mother,
she hated sitting on the wheelchair and using crutches because she didn't like feeling disabled,
she was very bold and wasn't afraid to speak up, and
she was exactly like my mother.

In the year of 2009...
She had a heart attack,
she was brought to the hospital in KL,
she was discharged, and
she was bed ridden.

And finally this morning, after 84 life-filled years,
I received an sms from my mom, and asked me not to reply back.
She did not manage to wake up.

I had three grandmothers. I know all of them are watching over us from above now.
My mom used to say, "What's the point crying over them when they are no longer here but never once shown them that you care when they are still alive?"

I wonder does she still feel the same way.
xxx Rest in peace, Chin Po xxx

Odd?

Something weird happened while I was taking my shower just now. The bizarre moment lasted only for a few minutes. I wasn't able to focus and somehow, I couldn't manage to pull myself together. I don't know how to put them into words, but the feeling was horrible.

A few days ago, while I was crossing the road to have lunch with my friends, I happened to come across something very unlikely. My unwise action had caused nothing but a delayed schedule for the driver and the journey for the passengers. I still don't know why it happened.

My mom emailed me about the condition of some of our family members. She suggested something that scares out the hell of me.

Great, I'm overacting. This has got to stop.