I have to admit, I'm not taking it well.
Not at all.

Does it matter? Even if it does, what does that make me?
A second class person? A disgrace?

Such a disappointment. Never in my life I was thought that way. Not until now.

Hot or cold?
Take your pick.

Karma

I used to expect many many things from the other person until the other person got tired of everything I did. I have to admit, I was demanding. I was selfish. I always had high hopes on the other other person but i always ended up being disappointed. I learned my lesson well.
Soon enough, the tables turned and currently, someone is always asking a lot from me...much more than I can afford to give.


Now this i what i call karma.

Next Plane Home

I really want to go back.
Take me home somebody.

Someone once told me that I always blog about emotional stuff. Well, that urge me to write from the beginning when I started on this blog about 2 years ago. At least I have something and somewhere to express myself though I never really did go into the details. Anyway sometimes, just reading my old posts just show me as a hyper emotional and sensitive person. My life seems so pathetic and insignificant compare to the others. Or is it just me who never appreciate what I have?

Have you ever thought of turning back time and trying out another route instead? Maybe, I won't feel that same way like how I did anymore. Just maybe.

Guess what? I'm jealous. Haha.

I miss home.
And i want to thank someone for consoling me today. That was my first time telling a person how I felt about something so simple, so small and yet mattered a lot to me. I think I've shown more negative sides of me more than positive ones to this person.

Fairy Tales

You know when you were a little kid and you believed that your life would be similar to fairy tale fantasies? We all once believed in fairy tales during our adolescent period. We believed that fairy tales do come true.

Being a princess in a white dress wearing Cinderella's glass slippers searching for her knight in shining armor and to be swept off her feet and to be carried away to his kingdom. There will always be a happy-ever-after at the end of each chapter of that life.

But, as we grow older, our beliefs start to fade. Sooner or later, all of us would wake up from this foolish and childish dream of ours and start to face the real facts of reality.

It's life. What more do u expect from it?

Do fairy tales exist? Or are they just merely a figment of imagination?

There isn't anything I can do about it. Nothing. Whether or not it will happen, it's not my decision, but it's theirs. The least I could do now is to remain quiet until this issue is brought up again and to give my respect to them. No point shedding tears until you feel numb and completely empty. If I were to feel this way, what more to them? I shouldn't be the one complaining about everything. I'm not eligible for it.

Call it quits. Hah.

Buried Deep Into the Ground

As I shot this photo of the rainbow near my house, it reminded me a lot about the past. The craziest 2 months of experience which I've ever had. Mixture of feelings which had me almost gone insane. There are moments when I felt I deserved it, the sense of belonging was there, and the next minute, all those feelings just disappeared into thin air. It happened everyday, until I felt like giving up on everything. But then, I did actually. I did give up. And what happens now whenever I reminiscence about it?

Just plain regret.
A scar which stays permanent that can never be removed.

It's nothing big, not at all. It's actually something extremely silly. I laughed at myself for being so stupid, for trying to make a big fuss out of it. But I can't help feeling it, can't I? The feeling is exactly the same as how I felt a few years back. I feel angry and embarrassed at myself for letting it take over me again. I was doing pretty good. I am always assuming that I was.

I really need someone to confide to. Even if I did find one, I don't know how am I going to start as there's nothing left to say.

I need time. I need to listen to The Fray. and I need to go somewhere tomorrow.

Ps: If you don't get what my post is about, then you're not the only one because I am just as confused as you are.

Past Tense

Date: 16th July 2009
I wrote this about 9 months ago, and I decided to post it back.

She was never a real mother, a real grandmother, and a real person to me. After all these years, my mother decided to bring us to our hometown during one of the celebrations back in 2006. Since then, we have been receiving the biggest amount of red packet from her, we have been visiting them once every year and we have started knowing more about my mother's family side.

She was a good cook,
she had her own motorcycle,
she used to call frequently for my mother,
she hated sitting on the wheelchair and using crutches because she didn't like feeling disabled,
she was very bold and wasn't afraid to speak up, and
she was exactly like my mother.

In the year of 2009...
She had a heart attack,
she was brought to the hospital in KL,
she was discharged, and
she was bed ridden.

And finally this morning, after 84 life-filled years,
I received an sms from my mom, and asked me not to reply back.
She did not manage to wake up.

I had three grandmothers. I know all of them are watching over us from above now.
My mom used to say, "What's the point crying over them when they are no longer here but never once shown them that you care when they are still alive?"

I wonder does she still feel the same way.
xxx Rest in peace, Chin Po xxx

Odd?

Something weird happened while I was taking my shower just now. The bizarre moment lasted only for a few minutes. I wasn't able to focus and somehow, I couldn't manage to pull myself together. I don't know how to put them into words, but the feeling was horrible.

A few days ago, while I was crossing the road to have lunch with my friends, I happened to come across something very unlikely. My unwise action had caused nothing but a delayed schedule for the driver and the journey for the passengers. I still don't know why it happened.

My mom emailed me about the condition of some of our family members. She suggested something that scares out the hell of me.

Great, I'm overacting. This has got to stop.

No big deal

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Usually I would spend my time in front of the computer the entire night. But ever since I went to the library, I spend my nights on the bed, reading a book which I borrowed instead. The laptop is no longer on the table, but it's now always right beside me. Sometimes when I do my reading, my mind would just wonder somewhere.

The point that I'm trying to make is, I feel like I have the time thinking about my life even more now. Something which I haven't been doing for quite some time. I think I'm going overboard in comparing myself to other people.

I emailed something to my mom. I told her that I'm kinda excited for something which they aren't sure of yet.
I asked them something bout my past too. Lol. They told me once, but I just feel like hearing the reason once again.

Hmmm, it's nothing. I'm just thinking too much again. Or maybe it's just for the sake of writing to clear my mind. I think I would be deleting this post very soon. Just maybe. I don't exactly know what is this post about because everything is seemingly blur to me now.

"Something is always happening somewhere."

It's time to turn in. Nights.

Then and Now

We weren't close at the beginning although we knew each other since the start of high school, but our friendship became stronger as we reached 15. We started hanging out more often especially after our PMR exam. Things once more changed during form 4 due to the class differences, but all of us managed to pull through in form 5, thanks to drama competition. =)

Genting

Pav's toilet

We may not be able to meet each other and hang out now as often as we used to, or know the exact details of each others' lives, but all I know is, we can and we will make our friendship work...somehow. Promise me that alright? Like you said last time. Stay connected okay? All of us.

Guysssss, writing this post makes me miss all of you even more. Even if I were to go back end of this year, SJ wouldn't be there also. We can never have a complete animals photo for... God knows how many years.

Our first few birthday celebrations together for your birthday as a group.

2007 - Sungei Wang

2008 - Pavilion

2009 - SkyBar. (I wasn't there!!!)

Did all of you notice something? As we grow older, our hang out places seem to be different.

Wing's Cafe

Pav's toilet as usual


Happy birthday my beloved ducKY. I know you're still working at this time even though today is your special day. Hope you will have a great one this year. Don't spend so much time with your hubby only okay? Allocate more time for the rest of the animals as well. :)


When I go back we must camwhore more! Damn hard to find photos of only the two of us alone.


***


KL, in case you're wondering why I never write about you last time for your birthday in my blog but now I'm writing for Lin.


NAH! Here it is...

Somewhere in 2004. You still look the same to me now. Even then you looked so perverted.


Wait till you see this!

Even better! Nar, please don't be pissed off. This is to show that KL, being a perverted person has been proven.


After another 8 years of experience since I first knew you


Heartz all of you.

Our First

Disclaimer : If you're looking for something cheesy, forget it alright?

Little did I realize, we have reached our first month since the moment we came to a decision to embark on a journey to the chosen path together. A few days before we began, a string of questions had been formed in our minds; particularly mine, mainly doubts whether the decision that we were about to make is right.

Not knowing where the path would lead us to. It could be a never-ending path for the two of us. There could also be two diverged routes in the middle of our journey, or even a roadblock where we could be left stranded. That was before everything. And now, all my questions have been answered.

It all seemed so recent, as if it happened yesterday. I was full of drive, pumped with motivation to join the life of a university student. During the week of our orientation, we were introduced to each other by a few friends. We greeted one another casually without realizing what has been stored in the future ahead of us. We exchanged numbers the same way as everyone did. We had our first sms on the very day because I accidentally called the wrong person. We had our first unusual chat topic on Msn when he added me. We had our first trip together as a group organized by a club. And the list goes on endlessly.

We have come a long way, all these little yet significant details that have happened between us as time passes by create a bond; a history- something which we both share in common. What started on a bright summer day was basically a typical friendship which has evolved to a whole new level of relationship. Never in a million years would one see that coming. Not from me, nor him, nor anyone else.

I have never thought of getting myself involved into a relationship for the coming 3 years. I have always assumed that I would never have the courage to love another person again. Yet just after 4 months of knowing you, I couldn't help myself but to fall for you. I was contemplating over it for the whole time, because I knew that I wasn't good enough for you.

You were extremely patient and understanding when I began telling you how I felt. You never come on to me like how other guys did but you were just being yourself. You will always clear things up and face them if there were any misunderstanding between us instead of denying them. Most importantly, you still care for me the exact same way now like you did when you first, err...court me? Lol. In fact, I think even more. And oh! I love the fact that you are being kind of possessive and selfish (You sure say it's 60:40!! =D).

Happy one month ____ You fill in yourself okay?

Bluek. I purposely don't wanna put your faceee XD

I love you.

Ps: I don't care if it's all words cause I know you're still gonna read this anyway.

Perfect Timing

Whether or not you are reading this...
I'm just here to say,

I'm sorry.

No matter how many times I say this, I just can't seem to make these feelings all go away.
No matter how hard I try to forget, I can never seem to erase the past.

Tell me, what should I do?

***

Someday

I think I am becoming more and more of a loner as the semester goes by. There is something that keeps on bugging me. I don't know what and I don't know why. Lately, I've been isolating myself by hiding in the library alone a lot for no reason. I don't even feel like trying to mix with own friends. There will come a day when I won't have anyone else to be around with if I continue to be like this.

Something is happening to me. But...what is it? .

To make matters worse, I've been skipping hell alot of lectures and tutorials these days for no reason. This is bad...

I'm starting to lose the real person in me and turning into someone I don't even know of.

Cant Take That Away From Me

Everything was going fine, I knew it was happening but I just didn’t want to make things more complicated than it already was. It was up till that day, that very day… where everything changed. Things will never be the same again, since then. I was expecting myself to come up with an idea on how react to it on a particular day, except that I really had no idea on how to make it out of the ordinary. Questions had been raised, and the response wasn’t exactly what I had expected. It was, somehow…much more meaningful than that. So genuine… so sweet…

It was supposed to become clear to me after everything that had been through, but deep down… I still don’t know the actual answer. Nobody has yet taken away my weakness which I have been trying to overcome over the years before. I’m afraid that I will allow my weakness to wipe out what has been built before. The past are just part of my excuses of what I had turned into, the past are just part of my excuses of trying to deny the truth. I know it doesn’t matter, but it really does concern me, and it still does.

“You will never know if you never try”.

But it’s always easier said than done right? Also, I know I am afraid to accept changes, afraid of what people have to think, and afraid of ruining everything again. There are always questions of what-if in the future that can never be answered by me, or by anyone else.

I am trying, no, I have tried, but without success. It was, by far the most embarrassing and the most foolish thing that I have ever done. And each time I think about that incident really makes me feel like slapping myself hard for being so stupid. I really regretted because I don’t want it to happen because of another accident, again.

Godz, why is it always has to be like this?

Why am I running away as usual?

Will I ever be good enough?

I know you must be thinking, what the heck is Yen-Yen talking about? Hahahaha..
The truth is… I’m not too sure myself. Damn, such an emotional post. So, this is just another one of my crappy posts which nobody, hopefully can understand.


Okay, I think it’s time for me to wake up from my dream and return to reality.

Study Break

Once again, we exceeded the internet limit. This is just so great. How am I supposed to survive a whole week of break without having to use the internet properly? The only websites which continue to go smoothly are my hotmail and my msn. I can’t even access my university’s blackboard as it should be and I have tons of lectures recordings, tutorial answers, and mock exams to catch up by the end of this week, or at least before my Acct Exam this Saturday.

So, trying to have a productive day on Saturday, I cleaned my room, did my laundry, folded my clothes, and arranged my computer folders after returning from my friend’s house. Whereas on Sunday, I decided to buy groceries, (something which I intended not to at first) and went all the way from my house on a Sunday afternoon to university. Imagine that, who goes to university on a Sunday right? Yeah that’s right. God is trying to prove that as well.

I was rushing to go to university because it usually closes at 6pm and it was close to 1.30 during that time. I got down from the bus. As expected, there weren’t that many people around. I headed to the library and I found out that it was closed for that day! Apa the fuck!!! I was trying to be a good girl okay, and God still have to do this to me?

My life is damn sad you know, I’ve been having bad luck since I arrived to Perth and it is never ending. Only a friend of mine will understand this, because both of us are having the same situation as well and no one can ever understand them as well as we can. Haha, yes… I know you’re smiling, woman.

The thought of going home empty handed just pissed me off. How the *** would I know that they are also closed on the day before Easter? I didn’t know what to do at the beginning. I was walking aimlessly around the university at first, and the next moment, I decided to take the bus to go to my friend’s house. *Sigh*.

For the sake of the internet, I had to trouble a friend of mine. I stayed at his house for quite some time. I seriously need to belanja this person one day, cause I owed this person quite a lot, and it is still accumulating week by week. Haha, little did I realize, I passed some of my luck to this person, making him unable to go online just now and gave him something he feared the most.

Heartz <3



Bloody hell, weeks ahead from now, all the assignments which carry the most marks will be due in the middle of May.

Good Friday!

It all started when we decided to have home cooked food for dinner among all 5 inexperience Malaysian cooks on a Good Friday. Look, we don’t always play around and have fun all right; we also had our work done as well. We need to have the best of both worlds okay, the balance of playing and studying. So here’s a proof that we really did our assignment.

See? We were doing our Accounts assignment, which is due in the middle of May.

Easter chocolate Eggs, thanks to Lionel… we finally had something that is related to Easter.

What better more to celebrate the day with all the Malaysians?

Maggie Mee, curry flavor. Henri’s dad packed a BOX of Maggie mee from Malaysia to Perth so that his son wouldn’t die of hunger. Godz, the noodles tasted so so good.


It keeps reminding me of how much I miss Malaysian food. =T

Our lunch went along with Russell Peter’s show using the laptop, an all time favourite comedian during college.


After lunch, we continued our assignment, until dinner time. =) See? It’s only a start of the holidays and we are on the track of finishing them. Though we couldn’t figure out why isn’t it balance. *Sigh* The biggest mistake was, I accidently wrote an extra figure 0 in our work, making our total trial balance of a $50, 000 difference.



And then it was time…




…to start cooking. Each of us prepared a dish and we were supposed to pose for our signature dish.


From vegetables, to meat, to…. Sausages. Sweat.



Sausages with chopped onions and garlic, with freshly squeezed lemon.



Preparing their family’s recipe of salad dressing.



The final touch. Olive oil, salt, vinegar (I think), garlic and bunch of others.



Posers, especially the one sitting down.



Helping out to wash the salad



But his main one is the ‘pure’ rice. He had a whole sack and a pail of it which can feed the whole army for a year.



She with her Balls as usual.

She insisted on decorating them for presentation. =P

Hmmm.. her aunt cooked this.

It’s not how you think it is. I don’t cook that way! It’s cause the pork was still hard and I was trying to cut it into smaller pieces

I have natural talent la. It turned out to be quite nice okay. My beloved fresh mushrooms and minced pork with soy sauce.

Our masterpiece

Group photo, the Malaysian Gang, 4 Taylorians, a Sunway-an.

Washing up after the dinner.

***

That’s not the end.

All right folks, we move on…

We were really keen on lying on the grass to watch the stars and to chill out. So, we decided to go to Kings Park. We took a bus…

Climbed the stairs.

Reached the start of Kings Park, looking at the city of lights.

It was pretty cool, to have nothing to worry about…but to lie down on the cool grass, relaxing while watching the moon and ahem, counting the stars… I really wish we could do that more often. You will never find something like this in Malaysia.. =D

What a waste, Henri never bring his phone. He brought everything, the keys, even the torchlight…but his handphone..

After a few hours, we headed back to his house. We went down the stairs while singing nursery rhymes. Lol, It was hilarious. We sang Twinkle Star, Baa Baa black sheep, Little Red Indians, Happy Family etc. The neighbours were looking out of the windows when we passed by Lionel’s apartment cause we were making too much noise.

On a side note, We missed the last bus, which was at 9 something, so we walked all the way from Lionel’s house to Henri’s house, passing Mounts Bay Road, UWA and lastly, Henri’s house. It took us about 1 hour 45mins overall non-stop to reach his place. It was a really great experience and the best part is, I wasn’t sweating at all!

A cup of Milo and Toast bread with kaya and butter for supper. *Heartz*

I miss Old Town’s toast bread. =(

At 1 something, we watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button in his room. We were all soon asleep due to tiredness even before half the movie. Though I was really tired, I couldn’t really sleep that night…again. I don’t get it..

The next morning, we watched another show of Russell Peters and A Walk to Remember. I love this movie so much. =D I cried the first time I watched this… and I don’t usually cry okay. So, it proves that it’s a really touching movie.

Domino’s for lunch.