Here Goes...

I blame myself for going out so many times. I blame myself for not having any idea on what to write. But most of all, I blame myself for being so so lazy. There are times when I do have the mood and there are times when I don't, of course. That's why when I start writing, I will try to continue doing it the next day because the moment I stop to think, my mind just... goes blank.

It seems like a long time since I last hang out with my own friends, and even... =) I feel like I'm losing part of them in me. There was once when we hang out every week, then our outings became every fortnight, and now, it's more than a few months already. I don't really count our last meeting as one of our outings cause we barely even reached 5 minutes when we had to split up. Don't get offended Nar, what I meant is like the whole gang. And when was the last time? I think all of us can answer that. SJ's farewell which was in September last year.

When I went for a holiday in December, I was kinda jealous cause the thought of all of them celebrating Christmas or at least New Year together without me is just killling me. Call me a sensitive bitch or whatever, I don't care. But, all their plans which had been made earlier.. just disappeared. That easily. Like always. And not to forget, them still able to go clubbing even without me cause I have work the next day. It kinda hurts but I'm over it now.

I'm starting to wonder, what is happening to all of us? Everyone seems to have their own set of friends. I am not excluded cause I know I myself have been hanging out with my other friends more often than my own animals. Among everyone of us, I feel like I'm the one who is missing out the most. The one who is the most outdated. Ok lar, some of the times are my fault. I know, it has always been like this. Me not replying their text messages, me not being able to make it for the outings, me not taking the initiative to make the first move. Sooner or later, I won't have any friends at all. Wtf. It will happen one day if I don't start to fix things now before things turn from being bad to worse.

Ever since my contract ended in December, I've been hanging out with this person lesser and lesser. At least last time after work, we were still able to meet up, for a few hours before this person send me back home. 2009 is even worse. I think I can even count the number of times, which I will not mention it here. Maybe, just maybe... I'm starting to feel the guilt of doing things behind my parents' back. It's so much easier to ask my mom's permission when I say I'm going out with my college friends than having to lie to them.

There are times when I feel like giving up, but we still manage to hang on...thanks to this person. I know these days I am always the one who is upset over something, saying words which I shouldn't, starting the fight without any proper reasons, but every girl wants and needs something...to be loved. That's it. Well, most of the people, including guys.. prefer to be loved than to love. I think it's kinda true. I don't know.

Now, I feel even worse after doing something I shouldn't on that night. It was really an accident. Who would have thought? This person had already warned me earlier, and he has the right to be upset over it.

***

It's less than a month now.
I'll be leaving soon and I'm still not ready to leave my comfort zone.
I'm scared... I will really miss all of you. I know you will know if you are the one.

Oh, btw, I lost my virginity recently! Hahaha.. You will know in the next next post. ^^